the aussie,the toad, and the telephone
by Yay for Me
Summary: The title explains it all! Warning! major hyperness major OOCness and major bashing with a telephone! don't like don't read! you have been warned! UPDATED AFTER A TWO YEAR HIATUS, FIFTH CHAPTER IS UP!
1. the last chapter

**A/N: I am just plain bored out of my mind! Enjoy! Oh yeah! And kudos to ridesandruns whose story "the call of the wolverine" gave me the inspiration for this goofy one shot. **

Toad and John were home alone in the Brotherhood house. Wanda was at a poetry slam, Pietro and Lance went to the movies, and Blob went to a cook off. The house was empty; the two boys were sitting in the kitchen. All there was was an empty fridge and cordless phone, and Lance's jeep parked outside.

"Dude! I'm bored yo!" Toad said breaking the silence.

"I'm bored out of my skull!" John replied.

The two boys sat in silence for exactly two minutes, then both of their faces lit up.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"John asked.

"PANTY RAID!" Toad said.

"No! We did that last week remember?" John replied.

"Oh yeah, I still have the bruises!"

"Any who, I was more thinking prank phone calling!" John replied.

"Yeah! And bucket brain gave us all cell phones!" Toad agreed.

They picked up the cordless phone (that had speaker on it), and speed dialed Wanda's cell number (of course the number came up private).

"Hello?"

"What is going on Hot Pants?" Toad said in a husky voice.

"Who is this?"

"You have a very promiscuous soul."

"What the fuck!"

"I love you."

"Who the hell is this?"

"I've been in your room. And all I can say is… me like!" Toad put a Hispanic twist on the 'me like' part.

"WHY THE HELL WERE YOU IN MY ROOM!"

(John snickers)

"You have a lot of thongs."

(More snickers)

"You just wait until I hunt you down!"

"I've read your diary; you are one naughty, naughty girl!"

"I am going to kill you!"

"You know you love me."

"I hate you! You dumb shit! Go to hell!"

"If you hate me so much then why haven't you hung up the phone?"

Wanda is quiet and she's breathing hard.

"You have seven days to live." Toad said in a whisper.

"WHAT!"

"I am going to kill you."

"You can't kill me!"

"Yeah I know I was just joking!"

(Hangs up the phone)

The two boys started to crack up!

"Holy shit that was just hilarious! She didn't know!" John gasped.

The boys calmed down and dialed Blob's number.

"Hello?"

"Hey blob what's up?" toad said regularly.

"Um... toad, I'm busy."

"Blob! Listen to me! Magneto! He's putting us all on …."

"What? What is he doing?"

"diets." Toad finished.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Blob started to cry.

"Blob?"

"WAHHHHHHH!"

"Blob."

"Wahhhhhh! (Sniffles) Wahhhhhh! I don't wanna go on a diet! Wahhhhhhh! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!" Blob cried.

"Pull ya self together! And listen to me! Magneto has some whacko diet lady coming here! And she's pure evil! "

"How evil?"

"She made Wanda cry! While she was being nice! She is going to torture us!"

Blob was speechless.

"AHHHHHHH! She's got me!" Toad yelled,"Don't come back Blob! Save yourself!"

"Fredrick… I'm coming for you Fredrick!" John said in a lady's voice, making his lighter make that clumping noise.

"AHHH! Stay away form me!" Blob hung up the phone.

The boys REALLY cracked up this time.

"Hahahahaha! He... and the... and WAH!" John gasped, " I wanna do Pietro!"

"That didn't sound right, yo!"

"I know mate."

"That's it just for that I'm handling the phone!"

"Oh no you ain't mate!" John created a large fire bunny.

"AHHHHH! Killer Bunny! Not a fuzzy bundle of joy! I surrender!"

John swiped the phone and dialed Pietro's number.

"Hey babe, I knew you'd call back!" Pietro answered.

"Pietro?" John answered.

"Ah Shit! My bad! I thought you were... um never mind."Pietro answered weakly, and hung up.

"That was bull shit!" John said," I'm gonna try Lance, I know exactly what to say here!"

"Hello."

"Lance, um, I don't know how to break this to ya mate."

"What happened?"

"Well, you remember that fight you and the kat got into last week?"

"Yeah, don't remind me!"

"Well, she came by today."

"And?"

"She did some things."

"What things?" Lance was starting to worry.

"She kinda, sorta, um, this is very hard for me to say this Lance."

"Spit it out!"

"She trashed you jeep."

"WHAT!"

"She completely trashed it! Your jeep is completely smashed!"

Lance was holding back tears,"What- how did she do it?"

"Well, first she took it out for a spin, and crashed it."

"Is that it?"

"No, there's more!" Toad chimed in.

"She drove back and pulled up in the parking lot, and once she braked the engine exploded." John said.

"Then she keyed the sides of it." Toad added.

"And knifed all of your tires." John replied, "She Spray painted it pink too."

"And in purple it says 'Go to hell!' " Toad chimed.

"She phased the engine out of the hood."

"And it smashed."

Lance gasped, he was tearing up now.

"She found cute little puppies too!" Toad said irrelevantly.

"And the puppies um, 'Went' in your seats mate."

"She also got Scooter to hit it full blast."

"And some one barfed too."

"How could you let all this happen?" Lance yelled.

"Well we weren't there when it happened." john replied.

"Then where were you?" Lance asked.

"When we came back they were trying to fix it." Toad changed the subject.

"WHAT!"

"Yeah when we got back the whole lot of them was there trying to fix it up piece by piece." John added.

"They told us to go inside, and to not tell you. "Toad said.

"And why did you listen?"

"They out number us, "John said.

"Are you crying Lance?"

"Those mother fucking idiots! They're going to kill my baby! Those fuckers don't know shit about cars! Not even claws! Wait till I get my hands on the Red eyed freak in shades! I bet he put my poor kitty up to this! "Lance started to bawl," My baby! I remember when I first got her! "

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU CAR WRECKERS DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX A CAR!" toad yelled.

"What is going on?"

"Well toad is yelling at the bunch for being the stupid heads that they are!" John paused," Holy shit! (big exploding sounds), you won't believe what that crazy Sheila did! She lit up some gas and blew your jeep up! The flames look beautiful! They're calling my name!"

"Hey! Dude! Don't you thin my jeep is more important that your obsession with flames?"

"Lance I'm going to have to call you back!"

John hung up the phone, and he and Toad were literally on the floor laughing.

"Wait let me call Blob again!" John dialed the number.

"H-hello?"

Clunk, clink clunk, clink, clunk," I'm coming to get you Fredrick." John said in his girl voice.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! MOMMY!" Blob hung up the phone.

"That never gets old!" Toad said.

"Lets try Pietro again!" john said.

Toad dialed the number, and the line was busy.

"Hello you lucky lady! You've reached Pietro Maximoff, New York's number one Bachelor! How may I be of service to you, sexy thang!" pietro answered.

"Pietro?"

"What guys? Why the hell do you keep calling me! Are you like secretly obsessed with me or something?"

"No, but um… We need to tell you something. "Toad said.

"Yeah What?"

"Do you remember Roxie?"

"Oh yeah! Of course I remember Roxie! She was a sweetheart!"

"Well she's going out with Daniels, actually they're engaged." Toad replied.

"WHAT!"

"It's true mate." John chimed.

John ands Toad didn't really have too much talking in this prank.

"How could this be? How could Daniels beat ME! I mean, I'm better looking! I'm more charming than he is! I KNOW I'm defiantly smarter than he is! And I can certainly kick his ass! How could Roxie dump ME, for that former X-geek sewer living loser! I mean do you know what is in the water in the sewers?"

"Wait? Roxie dumped YOU? I thought you dumped her?" Toad asked.

"That's beside the point! Well I have two conclusions either she's a slut? Or she's trying to make me jealous! I bet she's trying to make me jealous! It's totally obvious! No one in their right mind would leave ME and even think about going after another man!" Pietro comforted himself.

"Hey pietro? Is Lance with you?" John asked.

"No! He had to leave, because he was crying too much! At an action movie! Can you believe that? He said something about killing Scott."

"Oh yeah! Pietro, Magneto came over too!" toad replied.

"Really? What did father say?"

"He had some bad news yo!"

"What did he say? I deserve to know!"

"He said that you are too conceited to be leader of the brotherhood, and that you are a disgrace to him. AND, he promoted Wanda as leader." Toad said.

"WHAT!" Pietro cried.

(Hangs up phone)

"That was priceless! Did you hear him ranting? And Lance! Went to kill Scott! We should do this more often!" John said with gasps of laughter.

"Wait let me make one more call!" Toad said. He dialed Wanda's number again.

"Hello?"

(heavy breathing)

"Hellooooooooo?"

"Those hot pants you're wearing… Me like! Me likey very much!" toad said, and hung up.

The boys were now sitting in silence.

"Now what?" Toad asks.

"I got an idea!" John answers.

"Panty raid?"

"No! You pervert! It's obvious what we do from here!" John hissed.

"Ohhhhhh, now I see what you're sayin'"

**A/N: Can you handle more? HUH? Can ya! What's that? You can? Well TOO BAD! There ain't anymore! Mwahahahahaahahahahaha!**


	2. the REAL last chapter, i swear

**A/N: yeah I said it, I said there was no more! But guess what! I LIED! And I'd do it again if I had the chance! (laughs manically) **

John grinned.

Toad grinned.

The two of them were staring at each other, grinning.

John picked up the phone, and dialed a number.

"Xavier's" Logan's voice answered.

"Hello?" John said in a really good Indian accent.

"Yeah?"

"Were you the bastard who kicked my dog?"

"What?"

"Don't lie to me you fucking guy, you kicked my dog!"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"You came on my property today, and you kicked my dog! Now my dog needs operation!"

"What the fuck are you talking about I didn't-"

"Don't you tell me the fuck! You bastard!"

"Listen you fucking Hindu! I didn't kick your god damn dog!"

"You're lying! Don't you lie to me you fucking guy!"

"Where the hell you live?"

"I live on your street!"

"No you don't!"

"Listen you fucker I am going to call the police! And you are going to go to jail!"

"Why the hell are you going to call the police?"

"You know damn right why I'm going to call the police!"

"No I don't know damn right! What the hell did I do?"

"YOU KICKED MY DOG!"

"WHAT DOG!"

"YOU KNOW DAMN RIGHT!"

(Two hours later)

"I didn't kick no dog!"

"Why the hell did you kick my dog?"

"I didn't kick your god damn dog!"

"Yes you did you liar!"

"I am not lying!"

"Only a liar would say that! Why the hell did you kick my dog! Answer me you fucking guy!"

"For the last time! I. Didn't. Kick. Your. Dog. Understand? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?"

"Yes! I understand the LIES that are coming out of your dirty mouth!"

(Logan stammers)

"You don't act stupid! I am going to call the police and you are going to go to jail!"

"Why the hell are you going to call the police, I didn't do anything!"

"How bad is your fucking memory we were arguing about how YOU kicked my DOG! My dog needs an operation because of YOU!"

"But I didn't-"

"YES YOU DID YOU FUCKING GUY!"

"You wanna know what! Name your price! I will pay you in full for your stupid dog's operation! As long as you don't press charges, and you stop calling this house! How much?"

"Ok, be that way you fucker! You will pay for the operations, medications, and physical therapy!"

"Just tell me how much!" Logan said tired.

John looks at Toad, and grinned.

"Five hundred thousand dollars and fifteen cents"

"WHAT! That much money for a mother &) #$! operation! $&$&($&! That's ! All for that piece of $# of a &$#! #$ &#(# #$&$ ?&#$ &$# &$: P $#Y$ $#&$&&(# $# "(crashes, explosions, more swears, were wolf cries)

"Ok, fine I'll pay you in full, just gimme a while!"

"You have seven days you dog molesting mother fucking bastard!"

"WHAT! How the $# seven days? #$&#! $#$! $&$# &$#? You're got to be $ #) kidding me! You can not be #&! # serious!" (More crashes, yelling, explosions, growls, and deep breaths).

"Whatever! You just pay me my money Seven O'clock P.M. at taco bell!"

"GRRRR! OK BUB!" (Hangs up phone)

John and Toad starting cracking up! They were both rolling on the floor! Then the calmed there nerves and started to do their victory dance.

"We're gonna be rich! We're gonna be rich! We're gonna be rich! "They sang.

"We're going to be 250,000 dollars richer!" Toad sang.

"HELL YEAH!" John and Toad sat down; they were smiling and all upbeat. They were literally dancing in their seats.

Toad dialed a number.

"Pietro will you PLEASE stop calling me you creep!" Jean's voice answered.

"But I love you." Toad (who sounded exactly like Pietro) said.

"Pietro I'm in love with Scott!"

"Then why aren't you with him?"

"Because I'm waiting for him!"

"Bull shit! How could you love that uptight asshole? Have you seen his clothes? It's like he's wearing Professor Baldy's hand me downs!"

"Hey!"

"Hey what? You know you love me Jean."

"Pietro, I think you're an asshole, and I want you to go to hell."

"Stop playing hard to get!"

"I'm not playing hard to get!"

"That means you like me!"

"No!"

"OK Jean! Ok! I'll back off! But what the hell do you see in Red eye? First off there are his clothes, second he has Wolverine's Claws up his ass, third he's obviously stalking you, and fourth he's a sexist macho wannabe! You even said it yourself, how you think Scott's a chauvinist pig head! And I can obviously kick Scott's ass any time any day any where!" Toad was trying to submerge his voice, and he was doing a really good job too.

"Well at least Scott isn't as cocky and conceited as you are!"

"Yes he is! You just don't know it! I hear him all the time talking to fur boy, about how he scores with that Taryn girl! Face it babe, he just wants you for your bod! I actually care for you!"

"Pietro, you are just so AHHH!"

"See you know you love me, Jean! Stop playing hard to get, like you did with that Duncan guy!"

"I'm not playing hard to get!"

"So that means you love me!"

"Yes Pietro, I love you! I can't live without you! I need you! I lust for you Pietro!" Jean said sarcastically.

"What Jean?" Scott was in the back round," Did you just say what I thought you said?"

"No Scott I didn't-"

"Jean? Why? Why Jean tell me why? Why? Why? Why?" Scott started to sob.

"Scott I was being sarcastic! I didn't know you were there! I wasn't thinking!"

"That's right you weren't thinking! You don't care about me Jean! You know what Jean? I'm going to go to that Poetry slam to find Rogue!" Scott left.

"PIETRO!"

"You know Jean, Scott's right! You're a bitch! I mean look at what you just did to the poor guy! After what he's been through? That's cruel! You're a cruel heartbreaking slut! You WERE totally involved with Scooter, and you come lusting after me? I mean I don't blame you, but that's just down right whore behavior! I thought you were much better than this Jean! I mean I actually feel sorry for one eye! He gives you his heart and sole, and what do you do? You break it, you crush it, you shoot it, you ran over it, reversed, then ran over it again, you blew it up with your TK. God Jean! Why couldn't you be more like Rogue? Speaking of Rogue, I thinking of asking her out! You think she'll say yes?"

Jean hung up the phone.

"HOLY SHIT! You sounded so much like that silver rat!" John gasped.

"Wow! Ten minutes, and we already broke up a major relationship, yo!" Toad cried.

"That Rogue thing was a nice touch!" John laughed, he picked up the phone and he was about to dial the number, but he hesitated.

""What should I say?"" John thought, he then got an idea, grinned, and dialed the number.

"Hello?" Scott's voice answered.

"Um, Like hi! Um like I would um, like um, a large like, um cheese less pizza with like spinach and like onions and like green peppers and like olives. And a like large like pepperoni like pizza with like extra like cheese, for like delivery," john said in a valley girl voice.

"Uh… I'm sorry Ma'am you got the wrong number." Scott said.

"Um, like, I'm like so like sorry! Like this is so like embarrassing! Like I'm like so sorry!"

"It's ok."

"Um, like, have a like, nice, like day! Um like Bye!" John hung up

"Dude that sucked yo!" Toad said.

"Todd, Todd, Todd! You ain't seen nothing yet! The fun has only just begun!" john grinned.

Toad grinned.

"And no I'm not talking about a panty raid!"

**A/N: hahahahahahahahahaha! I end it there! I bet you guys are still scratching your heads! Bet you're all wondering what was John talking about? Well, I'm the only one who knows that! And you'll find out in two months! Cause that's when I'm going to update! On September 16 of this year at exactly 3:24 p.m. ok?**


	3. The End, El Fin, All done, complete

**A/N: September was just too long of a wait for me!  **

"I'm sick and tired of your cliffhangers, yo!" Toad said, he snatched the phone, and dialed a number.

"Um, like, Hello?"

(Very hard breathing)

"Helloooooooooooo?"

"Kitty," Toad said in a "killer" voice.

"Um, like, yeah?"

"Pretty Kitty,"Toad's voice went higher.

"Uh….."

"I know where you live."

"Who is this?"

(Heavy Breathing)

"I know where your parents live."

"WHO IS THIS!"

"I'm going to ask you a question, and you will give me the right answer, or else."

"Um, like, um,"Kitty panicked.

"What's you favorite scary movie?"

"Uh…."

"I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaiting."

"I- I um, like, um…."

"Tick tock."

"Oh my god! Oh my god!" Kitty cried.

"I'm not getting any younger."

"Um, like, uh, like I don't like scary movies." Kitty gasped.

"You have got to be kidding me! I can not believe this! You obviously don't care about your life or the lives of others now do you, Kitty?"

"No wait, please-"

"Shut up! I'm coming over there!"

Kitty stayed on the phone, she was really scared.

"This is the part where you're supposed to hang up and scream," Toad whispered," Or you can scream then hang up, it really doesn't make much difference to me."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kitty screamed then she hung up the phone (and screamed again)

Toad and John were on the floor, again. Laughing, and laughing, and laughing. John pounded his fists so much that his hands got bruised.

"Ok, time for Scottie, again," John stated.

"Great," Toad said sarcastically, earning him a twat upside the head from John.

John dialed the number…

"Hello?"

"Like, hi, um, like I would like a large c-h-e-e-s-e-l-e-s-s pizza with s-p-i-n-a-c-h and like o-n-i-o-n-s and like, some, like um g-r-e-e-n p-e-p-p-e-r-s. And I would like a large p-e-p-p-e-r-o-n-i pizza with e-x-t-r-a c-h-e-e-s-e," John said in the same valley girl voice he used before.

"Ma'am you got the wrong number." Scott said.

"Like, I, like, would, um, like, some, like, crazy bread with like that," John said, he put an edge in his voice when he said 'crazy bread'

"Ma'am!"

"Like what?"

"You have got the wrong number!"

"Um, like I would, like appreciate it if, I um like, had the like, guy who like took my um order like last time!"

"Ma'am-"

"Like hold on!"

John and Toad snickered quietly.

"Um, like yeah, I'm like back! Um hello?" John said, but Scott hung up the phone.

"Dude! What the hell was that, yo?" Toad said," Never mind, let me call someone." Toad dialed a number.

"This is Charles Xavier."

Toad made his voice really deep and southern, he kinda sounded like Bill Clinton.

"Hello Mr. Xavier, it has come to my attention that you have been spending quite a lot of money."

"Yes, that is true."

"Yes, you have been spending quite a lot of STOLEN money."

"I beg your pardon!"

"Don't give me that fake British accent, you thief! You have stolen billions of dollars!"

"I would like to know who is speaking, please."

"Who the hell do you think is speaking, this is former president Clinton speaking!"

"Really?"

"Yeah really! You also haven't been paying your taxes either!"

John was trying to cover up his snickers.

"Who is this?"

Toad couldn't hold up his accent much longer, so he hung up the phone.

"Wow! That was good! Real good! But there's only one problem! HE'S A FREAKING TELEPATH! I bet he knows it's us and I bet he's going to call back, and I bet he's going to find out about all the other calls too! And at this rate I'm never going to get my 500,000 dollars!" John yelled.

"Hey! We were going to split that fair and square!" Toad said.

"Yeah, I changed my mind about that."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Toad yelled as he tackled John. The two of them tossed and turned for a while, and then they ended up having a slap fight.

"What are we doing? We should make more calls!" John said.

"Fine! As long as I get my share of the money!" Toad said, he dialed a number.

"Hello?"

Toad put on his best' undercover cop spy guy' impression," Raven Darkholme?"

"Who is this?"

"Who do you think this is?"

"You tell me."

"My name is Budd Marko, perhaps you've heard of me?"

"No, unfortunately I haven't." Mystique said annoyed.

"I'm sure you are familiar with area 51?"

"Continue."

"Well, they still have your file on database."

"That's impossible! I've deleted my area 51 records!"

"It's called a backup file, and they have plenty of them."

"Really, well that's a problem isn't it?"

"Yes it is, and I can relieve you of that problem, for a price."

"Forget it; I can just erase it myself!"

"Really Raven? Did I mention that area 51 has installed mutant nullifiers?"

Mystique stayed quiet.

John left the room.

"Face it Raven, you need my help."

"Name your price."

John came back into the room.

"500,000 large and fifteen cents."

Toad heard Mystique spit of something from her mouth.

"What the #$! This is #$& ridiculous $ $($&! #!&. You have got to be $#&ing kidding! That much for deleting a few f& files? That's insane! $W&!&R no GEER$ way! What the $H$$# #$! For $#$# what are you#$#$ president? I don't even#$!$!$!$ &() know you!&$? I would#?$ work for !#$?&?$ Xavier! I can not $? &? $# believe$#? & this! What do think $#$? &T$# money grows $$#& trees! You (&() better O$!$! Get rid of$!&#$! Mutant files. For that much$ $$ money! &$ (&( $$W!" Mystique swore.

"What you thought this was going to be cheep? I'm risking my head for you!"

"Yes and why are you doing that?"

"Why does it matter?"

"I'm curious."

"Just trust me, we're more alike then you think. Just drop the money off at 9 o'clock p.m. at taco bell in seven days."

"WHAT! That impossible!"

"So the great Mystique is afraid of a little-"

"Shut up! I am not afraid! I'll get you your money! Just you wait!" Mystique hung up.

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Toad and John screamed.

"We're richer! We're going to be 500,000 dollars richer!" They jumped up and down and screamed like girls in the presence of Justin Timberlake.

"Wait mate! I got to do this again!" John dialed a certain number.

"Hello?" Scott's voice said.

"Um, like, yeah, like where, the, like, hell, is my, like, pizza!"

"Ma'am!"

"Don't like, you, um, like, ma'am, like me! I, like, want my like damn pizza!"

"But!"

"Like OH MY GOH! Someone stole my purse! In my own home!" John wept.

"Ma'am may be you've just misplaced it?"

"Hello?"

"Yes?" Scott said.

"May I like, help you?"

"You called me remember?"

"No, um, like, you're, like the one who like called me!"

"No, no I didn't!"

"Yes, you like did! You were totally, like, bad mouthing Jean!"

"HEY!"

"Like, what Scott?"

"How do you know that?"

"Um, like, duh! You like, told me!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"I did not call you!"

"You did too call me!"

"Did not!"

"Did too"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

(Two hours later)

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did too!"

"See! I like, knew, you'd, like, um, like agree with me!" John hung up the phone.

"That was waaaaaaaaaay better, yo!"

"It'll just get better and better from here, mate!" John said as he leaned back in his chair.

**A/N: Well, too bad for those two, they won't be making any more pranks calls, cause we all know what's going to happen to them when everyone finds out about them. But that's just too painful to write, so I'll just end this story here.**


	4. Done, Done, Done this story is done!

**A/N: I swear to god this is my last chapter! I swear! There's no more after this!!**

As John leaned back into his chair Toad picked up the phone once more "I know exactly what to do yo! Just follow my lead." Toad dialed the number, and waited.

"Magneto the great speaking, please make this worth my time." Magneto sagely answered.

"MAGNETO! Darling!" Toad said in the queerest of queer voices. "It's so great to like hear you, you devil-ish schemer you!" He said.

"Who on earth may I ask is this?" Magneto asked in a stern yet calm voice.

"Eh! This is Damien! From _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy_." Toad squealed and clapped his hands in excitement, "And We like seriously need to dish about well your everything! And we have Jamie here to like help us!"

"Eh! There's like plenty of work that needs to be done!" John said in a gay voice, "Honey if you want to take over the world you have to think of all the stuff you have to like do BEFORE ruling the world."

"Excuse me you poor excuses for _human_-"

"HUMAN!?" Toad giggled like a little school girl, "Did you hear that Jamie dear? He thinks we're human!"

John howled in girly laughter, "human? Oh Maggie baby- we're like you! We want to join in on your little brotherly fun!"

"Really?" Magneto said with suspicion.

"Like yeah!" Toad said, "First we have to work on your look! You know the whole red and purple hue-you know that just doesn't work for you."

"No darling, it doesn't." John chimed in, filing his nails.

"Do you really think so?" Magneto asked, staring at his clothes.

"Think? HA! We know Maggie baby trust us." Toad assured, "why don't you try, uh like..." Toad looked over at John for some help.

"A like lovely salmon color- you know that'll look so elegant with your ageing skin tone!" John said, lazily.

"Hold on one moment, how do you two _gentlemen_ know what I look like when I haven't even met either one of you? Hmm?" He asked.

"Well, it's like simple Magneto dear. I'm like looking at you right now, you see honey that's my like power I can see what people are presently doing."

"Ahhh, I see. So Salmon eh?" He asks.

"Yes! Salmon! With some lace and a lavender trim! You know we should also loose the helmet as well?"

"Salmon with lace and lavender? My helmet?" Magneto repeated, he sounded quite interested.

"Yes, Yes!" Toad replied, feeding off of what John was saying, "And we need to loose the helmet, honey. That Helmet scares no one; it actually makes your head look oddly small. And all those jokes! My gosh you should hear what those little devils Pietro and Lance say about your helmet!" Toad added.

"Quicksilver and Lance have been talking behind my back?" Magneto questioned-this guy was a lot harder to brake.

"Ah! They aren't as bad as Wanda and Blobby. Oh and that hunky Remy fellow and Saber tooth they all do it."

"Do they really?" Magneto asked, he was sniffling a little bit.

Toad and John smirked- they knew they got him then and there.

"We thought you like knew about all this? Everyone does it! Well, we don't and that toddy- and John boy don't do it either. They respect you." John started, "But you should just HEAR those x-freaks."

"X-freaks?" Magneto said, fighting the urge to cry, "What have they been saying?"

"Oh the worst of all things! Chucky is the worst out of all of them. He is just sooo like mean!" Toad said, "He called you Helmet head, Magnet Brain, Mag the Fag..The list just goes on and on!"

"Charles?" Magneto was crying now, "Charles?! Not Charles!" He was crying now, "not my best friend! My son too he would never do such things." His voice was shakeing and he was bawling like a little baby.

"We're like sorry but it's true." John replied.

"WAHHHHHHHH!" Magneto sniffled, "WHO AM I KIDDING? This job isn't for me!" He wept, "No one respects me anymore! Not even my enemies fear me! My best friend and enemy make fun of me behind my back! I am a disgrace to my son! I'm a disgrace to the human race!" Magneto cried, and cried and cried.

"Its ok sweetie!" toad soothed, "you're totally perfect for this job! It's you calling."

"Don't cry honey bunch!" John said, "You just need a little make over-"

"NONSENSE! You fools! All I need to place fear within them, but how?" Magneto pondered.

Toad and John waited.

"Eureka! You two gentlemen will help me on my look. To make me more devilish looking."

The two of them smirked at each other.

"You should totally go with the salmon!"

"Oh! Lavender makes such a good combo with that write this down Damien!"

"And don't forget the lace!"

"And we need those Dolce and Gabana boots as well!"

"And we must not forget that gorgeous Valentino hat."

John and Toad were both looking at a designer magazine that Pietro had lying around, "And we need that tie from Prada!"

"GENLTEMEN!" Magneto yelled, "I believe that your choices are far from menacing." He said. "I would like to have all my clothes in black with a silver lining thank you."

"Oh no he didn't Damien!" John said.

"Oh I think he did Jamie!" Toad replied.

"Excuuuuuuuuse us Mr. All high and Mighty but here we are trying to help you! We're the EXPERTS! You know nothing; in fact you're wearing last century's clothes from the thrift store! You'd be nothing without us!" john said.

"And to think we WANTED to help you! No wonder why you're the butt of all jokes!"

"No wait please, gentlemen I take that back! Help me please!" Magneto stammered.

"Good day to you sir!" The boys said in unison, hanging up the phone.

They waited for a while, and then after exactly two minutes they busted out into laughter.

"That was great mate!" John laughed.

"I know yo!" toad agreed.

"I say it's time to finish up with lil' ol' Cyclops eh?" John said, he picked up the phone and did one final call to Scott.

"Hello."

"Un, like, hello? I like ordered my pizza like three hours ago, like where is it?" John said in the same valley girl voice.

"Ma'am you got the wrong number!" Scott shouted.

"I like, um, like have, like guest like over so, it would be like, great if you like could like give us the like pizza!" John hissed back.

"MA'AM FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!"

John pretended to cry, and then he took the phone again but this time he spoke in a Hulk Hogan voice, "Now listen up I don't care if you're the pizza guy or the president of these here United States but no one, NO ONE makes my girl cry on her special day you got that brother?"

"I- uh…um." Scott stammered.

"Now I want 500 grand's worth of pizza at Bayville high in" John looked at his watch, "In three hours, you hear."

"But sir, I don't have-"

"Don't you but sir me, you the hell do you think you're talking to. Tell me who?"

"A man."

"Yes…continue…"

"A big, strong, buff man."

"And."

"A Big strong, buff, man who can kill me."

"That's right, now deliver my food."

"Yes sir."

"Whatcha gonna do when the hulk comes after you?" John asked.

"I'll do as he says!" Scott obliged.

"That's right!" John said as he hung up the phone.

Toad was rolling on the floor laughing, as well as John. "Wait, yo. What about Lance's car?" he asked. The boys abruptly stopped laughing.

"I'll take care of it mate…" John said with an evil grin, as he walked out of the house.

Toad quickly dial Lance's number.

"What is it? What do ya want?" Lance answered

"Yo, Lance man those x-geeks yeah they're having a pizza party at Bayville high in three hours. You best get yo ass over there!" Toad said.

Lance Laughed, "I'm on it." He said and hung up the phone. Just as Toad did the same…BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John walked in with a smile on his face,"The car is taken care of mate."

Toad's eyes lit up, "Hey remember the guy that Boom Boom used to go out with?"

"You mean Spider?" John cocked his head, "They got pretty serious mate, what are you planning?"

"You'll see." Toad said as her began to dial the number.

"Talk to me!" Tabitha answered.

"Tabby hey." Toad said in a surfer cowboy voice.

"Spider? Why the hell are you calling me you idiot, I already told you a million times WE'RE THROUGH!" she howled. "and stop calling me Tabby!"

"We no shit, man. But I got something I need to tell you." Toad continued.

"Well spit it out!" Tabitha hissed.

"Tabby baby, I have herpes." Toad said.

Tabitha was quiet; she didn't know what to say, until… "YOU WHAT?!"

"I have herpes, Tabitha."

"Well, you sure as hell didn't get it from me you bastard!" Tabitha said.

"No, I didn't get it from you, but I've had it for a long, LONG, LOOOOOONG time." Toad answered.

"What do you mean?" Tabitha said worried.

"Well, I kinda sorta knew before we started going out and stuff." Toad made a little chuckle.

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FUCKING LAUGHING!!!" Tabitha yelled, "you better pray to god-why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Well, I was afraid man. I was afraid that you wouldn't go with me and shit Tabitha you're the one I loved." Toad said.

"TRY LUST YOU $#t$#$# &er! $! SON OF A #!"Tabitha shouted.

Toad chuckled.

"MY GOD! I HATE YOUR MOTHER $# LAUGH!" Tabitha said, "You better wish I come out clean or else you're gonna wish you never been born!" Tabitha hung up the phone.

This time John and Toad were laughing REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hard. They literally fell out of their seats and rolled on the floor.

"Oh wow! She was soo mad!" Toad said.

"She's gonna blow that guy's house to smithereens!" John laughed. "You think we've done enough?"

"Oh come on yo! We can do waaay more!" Toad grinned.

**A/N: another chapter over, signaling the actual end of this story, which has gone on for waaaaaaaay too long!**


	5. The Ending of the Beginning

**A/N: It's been two years since I last updated, but I'm back. Sorry for the long wait, and I'm sorry if this chapter isn't like the others…my writing style has changed a bit. Enjoy!!**

Toad and John were snickering, and decided that they should get a bit more organized with their hit list. John decided to do the next call. Dialing the number…

"Hello?"

"Hello, Am I speaking to Warren Worthington III?" John said in a deep monotonous voice.

"Yes, this is he."

"My name is James Buckley Price, I'm your father's therapist."

"James Buckley Price?" Warren said with some confusion

"Yes, that is my name."

"Really because father does not have an therapist by that name."

John started to panic," I'm a new member to your father's team of employees."

"Oh…so Billy finally passed eh?"

"Yes Billy was a wonderful goat, but that's not why I'm calling."

"Well why are you calling?"

"Your father would like you to know that you are formally being cut off from the family's fortune."

"I'm WHAT!"

"you're being cut off-"

"You don't need to repeat yourself. But why am I being cut off?"

"Your father thinks you need help." John said casually.

"Help?"

"Warren, you're a sex addict."

"Excuse me!"

"You've been sleeping with your secretaries, you were kicked out of a strip club and you hit on your kid niece. Warren you have a problem." John channeled his inner Doctor Phil

"I'm the sex addict? Have you SEEN the girls around my father? They're my age! He drinks ten shots of tequila at nine o'clock in the morning."

"So it seems you have a lot of rage against your father, not tell me why is that?"

"My dad's an abrasive asshole, you work with him you should know that."

"Is that really the problem Warren? Really?"

"Uh, yeah." Warren said his voice sounding a bit childish

"Well what about your mother?"

"What about my mother?"

"Tell me about your mother."

"I don't want to tell you about my mother."

"Why Don't you want to tell me about your mother?"

"Well why do you want to know about my mother?"

"Warren, the mind is a complicated organ, your parents have a lot of influence over it-"

"So what you're implying is that because my mom was a dirty slut that, THAT'S the reason why my dad's cutting me off?"

"No, that's not the reason as to why your dad is cutting you off."

"Then what is?"

"It's because you're a sex addict."

"I'm not a sex addict."

"Admitting it is the first step."

"ugh."

"your father said that if you talk with me once a week that he'll reconsider."

"Well, then."

"So tell me more about your mother."

"Why do you want to know about my mother."

"Interesting."

"What? Are you writing something down?"

"No." John said defensively, he and Toad had gotten better at concealing their snickers.

"You ARE writing something down what the hell are you writing?"

"Nothing."

"Are you writing that I'm crazy? That I'm spoiled hmmm?"

"No Warren, of course not."

"Then what was that scribbling?!?!"

"A prescription for Zoloft."

"oh."

"Now tell me about your mother."

"WHAT IS YOUR OBESSION WITH MY MOTHER?"

"JUST COOPERATE DAMN IT!"

Warren sighed, it was clear that he couldn't win, he needed his father's money and fortune.

"Well, mom was always nice. She liked me for me you know? She didn't mind the fact that I had wings…but…."

"But?"

"One day I saw her tangled up with the gardener and then she and father got a divorce and it was tough. Father didn't want to support her, and he never allowed me to see her again, the divorce ruined his reputation and well…that's why he's so controlling."

"Warren did you ever thing that your delusion of having wings and your hatred towards your father was some unconscious psychological attraction to your mother?"

Warren stayed quiet.

"May be the whole reason as to why you're so upset with your father is because he can have your mother and you can't?"

"Are you suggesting that the reason why I hate my father is because I'm sexually attracted to my mother?"

John stayed quiet.

"BULLSHIT!" Warren exclaimed, "The reason why I hate my father is because he doesn't accept the fact that I'm a mutant, that's why I hate him!:

John pretended to scribble things down.

"What are you writing?"

"Mr. Worthington, I'm sorry to tell you that you have officially been cut off form the Worthington fortune."

"excuse me?"

"Your father told you that if you were to ever reveal the fact that you were a mutant top anyone that you're be cut off. And you just did that."

Warren was speechless. "You Can't do this!"

"I just did."

"You're a psychologist for Pete's sake! You just used deception! I'm going to report you to the APA!!"

"Wrong Mr. Worthington, very wrong! I am not a Psychologist, I am a lawyer and a pretty damn good one! So you can take that psycho mumbo jumbo crap and stick it up where it hurts!"

"You can't prove anything."

"This phone call has been recorded."

"You son of a gun!"

"Hey Don't blame me for your mommy and daddy issues okay sunshine? I'm not the spoiled rich bachelor who's a drunken sex addict!"

"I'm not a sex addict!!"

"Denial, Denial."

"Seriously!"

"Yeah that's why you 'accidentally' walked in on your mother."

"It was an accident I swear!"

"Okay, whatever you say." John said, "Sex addict." he muttered just so Warren can hear.

"I am not!"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. You seem to be out of money and out of a job."

"What are you getting at?"

"Perhaps you should sell yourself a bit? The ladies would pay oozes of cash for a stud like you."

"You are a sick minded attorney you hear me?"

"I'm a pimp on the side, may be I can hire you?"

"I'm not selling myself! This is ridiculous, I'm calling father!!" Warren said and hung up the phone.

The room was quiet and Toad spoke up and said, "That was kind of twisted yo."

"That is was mate, but worth it, I knew those psychology classes would come in handy."

"You took psychology?" Toad asked puzzled.

"Yeah, I took psychology…why do you sound so surprised?" John asked defensively

"You Don't look like the type of psycho mumbo jumbo dude yo."

"Are you trying to tell me I'm dumb?"

"May be."

John created a flaming kitty with razor sharp claws, "Really?"

Toad looked at the flaming cat in terror," AHHHH KILLER KITTY!!!!" Before he can utter anything else the flaming Kitty scorched him right on the rear.

"Ow." Toad mumbled, "Just for that I'm making the next call!" He exclaimed picking up the phone and dialing.

"Hello, Dr. Hank McCoy speaking."

"Hi, Mr. McCoy? This is Trevor from Kiddy Playville" Toad said in a really hyper active kid friendly voice.

"Yes how may I help you?" Hank asked, a little confused.

"It's-" Toad looked at the clock, "4:30 and your party still isn't here."

"Pardon me?"

"Your party? You ordered our Deluxe Fairy Princess Package?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about per-"

"You know the package that allows guests to dress up in fairy princess costumes and get makeovers." Toad cut him off.

"Makeovers?"

"Yes makeovers. It's pretty simple a bunch of our staff members apply some glitter eye shadow, some glitter blush, some glitter lip gloss and do quick manicures and pedicures with glitter nail polish."

"I don't think I reserved such a thing you must be mistaken." Hank said politely.

"What are you talking about I must be mistaken?" Toad said getting defensive.

"I'm just saying that there is no way I reserved such a preposterous thing." Hank said nonchalantly.

"Uh…yeah you did."

"No I believe I didn't"

"You did, it's already on the computer."

"Computers could be wrong."

"How can a computer be wrong?"

"Well, perhaps a slow connection or some faulty wiring, or may be the person using it mistyped?"

"Oh so you think I don't know how to use a computer?"

"I never said that."

"you were thinking it"

"I was not."

"Mmmmm hmmmm."

"My stars and garters this is all just a misunderstanding."

"A Misunderstanding?"

"Yes a misunderstanding."

"Misunderstanding my ass!"

"Please don't curse, it's not polite."

Toad ignored the comment, "Look the computer doesn't make mistakes, it doesn't have faulty wiring. Dr. Hank McCoy reserved this whole building for today, you live at 1345 White plane Road in East Bayville, phone number 555-4235?"

"Well that information is correct, but I did not make that reservation."

"Oh so all of a sudden you're too GOOD to be a fairy princess?" Toad said

"N-" Hank was cut off

"Oh so Mr. Big shot over here thinks he's so smart and important that he can't admit to booking a little tea party with 50 of his closest friends." Toad said raising his voice.

"Sir, I must ask you to lower your voice." Hank exclaimed.

"No, I won't lower my voice. Because of you I have a long ass line of squealing kids wanting to come in and I can't let him in because some scientist freak reserved the place all to himself."

"There is no need for insults, this is just a mis-"

"Mistake? Do you think I make mistakes? Do you think I'm conning you? Who the hell do you think you are? You made a reservation, now get your ass over here! I'm up to my neck with screaming parents complaining because they don't see a party!"

"But I didn't reserve a party."

"Tell that to the computer."

"This is all just some stupid prank, one of my students must be playing a trick on me." Hank said, instantly suspecting Kurt of doing the deed.

"A prank?"

"Yes a prank."

"So you're telling me someone else impersonated you, used your voice and made a reservation?"

"Yes."

"BULLSHIT."

"What?"

"You just don't want to pay do you?"

"No, no, no."

"You just don't want to see other kids be happy do you? So you reserve the whole building just so they can't have fun?"

"Now that's an attack in my character!"

"Attack on your character?"

"Yes an attack on my character."

"I've been attacking characters all day! Why should yours get any special treatment?"

"Uh… um…I-"

"Not so smart now are ya smarty pants?"

"I do not like your tone young man, I would like to speak to your supervisor."

"I _am_ the supervisor."

"Well I would like this problem solved immediately, this is completely ludicrous."

"Well either you get your but over here, or you pay for all these kids to have a good time."

"How much?"

"One sec." Toad covered the phone and whispered, "How much?"

"Just pick a bloody number!"

"I dunno what number!"

"Man you're so useless, this conversation isn't even that funny"

"Like yours was any better! Write a number down!"

John grabbed a piece of paper and tried thinking of a good number. Toad was getting impatient and grabbed the piece of paper while John was writing it down, causing him to scribble.

"What the hell was that!" John said standing up.

"For someone who writes so slow you have horrible handwriting."

"That's cause you snatched the paper out of my hands!"

"Well you write slow, yo." Toad uncovered the reciever and continued to talk, "Yes hello?"

"Yes." Hank said clearly bored.

"You're total is 489,032,583 dollars."

At this point John decided to take the paper away from Toad, who reacted by slapping his hand, John slapped his face and the yanked the paper out from Toad's hands. And Toad, slimed John's face. John then tried to got away the phone, only to Have Toad slap him in the face, which then resulted in a slap fight.

"My Stars and Garters, it can't cost _that_ much money. It's impossible!"

"Well believe it. Either you pay up or you get your butt over here in full princess gear!"

Hank sighed, it appears he has no choice, he couldn't pay off the money. Perhaps he can get someone to accompany him?

"Well, I guess I'll be arriving their shortly." Hank said and hung up.

Toad hung up the phone. "what the hell was that for?"

"You took the paper out from my hands!"

"you didn't have to interrupt my call, he could have figured out it was us yo!"

"Man, Hank has no common sense, he's probably out getting into a princess costume while shoving Twinkies in his face!"

"Yeah I can't believe he fell for that!"

"Those X-geeks are so stupid."

"So who do you want to call now?" Toad asked.

"I have an idea." John said opening his lighter and letting the flame grow. He had an evil look in his eyes. Things were just going to get better and better.

**A/N: So that ends Chapter five, and probably the rest of the story…but who knows…this chapter may have inspired me to do something else ;) **


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